Humorous epitaphs

Don’t delete this because it looks weird.
Believe it or not, you CAN read it !

I cdnuolt blveiee taht I cluod aulaclty uesdnatnrd waht I was rdanieg. The phaonmneal pweor of the hmuan mnid. Aoccdrnig to a rscheearch at Cmabrigde Uinervtisy, it deosn’t mttaer in waht oredr the ltteers in a wrod are, the olny iprmoatnt tihng is taht the frist and lsat ltteer be in the rghit pclae.

If a robber tried to rob a dance club and yelled, "Everybody get down", would all the people start dancing?

Why do people say, "You can’t have your cake and eat it too"? Why would someone get cake if they can’t eat it?

Why do they call the small candy bars the "fun sizes"? Wouldn’t be more fun to eat a big one?

If your name is Mr. Crunch, and you joined the Navy, would you eventually be Captain Crunch?

Why do people call it an ATM machine, don’t they know they’re really saying Automated Teller Machine Machine?

If the weather man says "it’s a 50% chance of rain" does that mean he has no idea if its going to rain or not?

Why do people pay to go up tall buildings and then put money in binoculars to look at things on the ground?

Because a perfect sense of humour lasts longer than life...

Here lies my wife
Here let her lie
Now she has peace
And so do I

***

She caught a chill
while picking peas
in the rain and died.

***

I told you I was sick!

***

Here lies Lester Moore,
Four slugs from a forty-four.
No Les, No Moore.

***

In loving memory of Ellen Shannon, aged 25,
Who was accidentally burned March 21, 1870,
By the explosion of a lamp filled with R.E. Danforth’s Non-explosive burning fluid.

***

Here lies an atheist,
All dressed up and,
No place to go.

***

Here lays Butch,
We planted him raw.
He was quick on the trigger,
But slow on the draw.

***

She lived with her husband fifty years
And died in the confident hope of a better life.

***

In Memory of Beza Wood
Departed this life Nov. 2, 1837 Aged 45 yrs.
Here lies one Wood
Enclosed in wood
One Wood within another.
The outer wood is very good:
We cannot praise the other.

***

Sacred to the memory of my husband John Barnes who died January 3, 1803
His comely young widow,
aged 23, has many qualifications of a good wife,
and yearns to be comforted.

***

Ann Mann
Here lies Ann Mann,
Who lived an old maid
But died an old Mann.
Dec. 8, 1767

***

Harry Edsel Smith
Born 1903--Died 1942
Looked up the elevator shaft
to see if the car was on
the way down.
It was.

***

Honey you don’t know
what you did for me,
Always playing the lottery.
The numbers you picked
came in to play,
Two days after you passed away.
For this,
a huge monument I do erect,
For now I get a yearly check.
How I wish you were alive,
For now we are worth 8.5
(Actual epitaph of Elizabeth Rich,
Eufala, Alabama)

***

Under the sod,
Under the trees,
Lies the body of
Bolivar Peas,
Peas ain’t here,
Only the pod,
Peas shelled out
and went home to God.